Because I've occasionally referred to the gay agenda and any other hidden, mysterious gay stuff I could think of, some people have the idea that I know all the secrets.
They're right.
I think the time has come for me to divulge a biggie. I believe Americans can handle the truth. Don't try and stop me. I know it's risky. I know we've held this secret for centuries, guarding it carefully from straight people, and passing it on to each other through a complicated code employing burps, sneezes and hand shadows.
Now is the time. As a show of good faith to all straight Americans, I'm telling the truth. Yes, Virginia, (and the other 49 states), there is a gay headquarters.
I'm not saying a word about the rest of the planet, but here in the United States of America, the GLBT community has always had a headquarters. We report to it, receive instructions from it, and decorate it exquisitely. Actually, to be completely honest, we had a headquarters here well before this nation was established.
In the foyer of the present building hangs a painting by Andy Warhol, depicting two Native American men and two Pilgrim women. The figures may look like soup cans, but the meaning is clear: This is the historic moment when native gays showed immigrant lesbians the secret location of the rustic but imaginative GLBT headquarters. The name of the painting is "The Real First Thanksgiving."
As every American knows, the centuries that followed ushered in sweeping changes to this land. What every American doesn't know is that GLBT headquarters kept changing too, in order to blend in, and be near the happening spots.
For instance, HQ briefly existed at Valley Forge. The structure was bloody drafty, but it helped keep up the boys' morale, enabling them to soldier on.
Headquarters had a prime location in Washington, D.C., during the War of 1812, and as the British advanced on the city, the HQ staff debated whether to evacuate. Some advocated neutrality, but then Sarah Hamilton put down her pipe and spoke those immortal words: "By God, we're Americans. Quit yer snivelin,' grab the Revere silver, and let's get out of here."
The Civil War was a terrible period in American history, and I have to confess, a low point in the history of GLBT headquarters as well. The reason is there were two headquarters, one in the North and one in the South. The latter was, well, a moral mess, as it supported slavery, even though a third of the staff was black.
While Lee surrendered to Grant at Appomattox, a half-mile away the leaders of the two headquarters swapped recipes, exaggerated their heroics during the Mexican War, and agreed to unite their establishments.
The nearest HQ has ever come to being discovered was during the worst years of the Great Depression. Located in New York City and performing its normal secret functions, HQ also opened a soup kitchen for the general public. Well, word of this soup kitchen with unusually tasty food traveled. Also, it was the only soup kitchen in New York with a maitre d.'
Here in 2006, thanks to my trusting nature, the rest of the country now knows that there is such a thing as gay headquarters. I certainly won't divulge its location, however, known only to each GLBT American. I'm trusting, not stupid.
Of course, I can't resist offering some hints. It can be found where the hills are alive with the sound of something or other, the mouse ran up the clock, Johnny Appleseed planted pomegranates, and company loves misery. Turn left, and there it is.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
Advantage Everyone
On opening night of the U.S. Open, Aug. 28, the United States Tennis Association (USTA) will serve up an ace in Flushing, N.Y. That night, with pomp and circumstance, the USTA National Tennis Center will be officially rechristened the USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center.
This is a step for humankind--and homo-kind.
I'll start with her accomplishments as a player. King won 12 Grand Slam singles titles, 14 Grand Slam women's doubles titles, and 11 Grand Slam mixed doubles titles.
I won a 12-and-under tournament once.
King will forever be remembered for playing in the “Battle of the Sexes“ match against Bobby Riggs. I remember watching that in 1973, planted with my family in front of the TV. Though not quite 10 years old, I knew it was important that Billie Jean win. How thoughtful she was to oblige.
Riggs at the time was a tennis hustler with more miles on him than a wood-paneled station wagon, but King's victory nonetheless gave women's tennis—and women--a boost.
While an active player Billie Jean campaigned for equal prize money in men's and women's tournaments. She spearheaded the creation of the Women's Tennis Association in 1973, and the Women's Sports Foundation in 1974. Her efforts helped lay the groundwork for Title IX, the federal legislation that helped girls like me experience the joy of running suicides.
In 1975 readers of Seventeen chose her as the most admired woman in the world. In 1990 Life named her one of the “100 Most Important Americans of the 20th Century.“
Not bad for Billie Jean Moffitt, who learned to whack the ball on the public courts of Long Beach, and has always believed in reducing the game's snootiness quotient.
In announcing the center's renaming, USTA President Franklin Johnson said, “Billie Jean King is one of tennis' greatest heroes. Much like Arthur Ashe, for whom our showcase stadium is named, Billie Jean is a champion not only of sport, but a champion of those causes in which she so strongly believes. Her accomplishments have benefited all women in sports, as well as countless women in any number of career fields.
“Those things, along with her extraordinary tennis achievements, cry out for recognition, and I am thrilled that our Board unanimously agreed on renaming our National Tennis Center in her honor,“ he said.
Me, I'm a little surprised that the board didn’t wear earmuffs to muffle that cry. She certainly did rock the boat on behalf of women's equality, but I guess most of the officials she made seasick back then have died--from old age, not seasickness—or have adjusted. But mainly I'm a tad surprised because Billie Jean is a sister of Sappho.
She didn't come out on her own. Marilyn Barnett outed her in 1981 by filing a “galimony“ suit. The married King copped to the affair, but wouldn't say she was gay. I've found her long reticent period irksome, but I realize that's not fair. In fact, that's a foot fault on me.
King was born into a conservative Catholic family, and the issue of sexual orientation has been a mighty struggle for her. I'd guess that 25 years ago she still acutely felt the weight of being a trailblazer for women, and feared undercutting the movement's advances. She presumably also feared she'd lose her commercial endorsements, which she did.
But Billie Jean and American society have caught up to each other. She just served as a Gay Games Ambassador. And now the USTA is bestowing on her this jumbo honor.
First it recognized Arthur Ashe, an African-American who died of AIDS, and now Billie Jean King, a lesbian feminist. Hurray for the USTA's current brand of tennis snobbery: Only the best people are immortalized.
This is a step for humankind--and homo-kind.
I'll start with her accomplishments as a player. King won 12 Grand Slam singles titles, 14 Grand Slam women's doubles titles, and 11 Grand Slam mixed doubles titles.
I won a 12-and-under tournament once.
King will forever be remembered for playing in the “Battle of the Sexes“ match against Bobby Riggs. I remember watching that in 1973, planted with my family in front of the TV. Though not quite 10 years old, I knew it was important that Billie Jean win. How thoughtful she was to oblige.
Riggs at the time was a tennis hustler with more miles on him than a wood-paneled station wagon, but King's victory nonetheless gave women's tennis—and women--a boost.
While an active player Billie Jean campaigned for equal prize money in men's and women's tournaments. She spearheaded the creation of the Women's Tennis Association in 1973, and the Women's Sports Foundation in 1974. Her efforts helped lay the groundwork for Title IX, the federal legislation that helped girls like me experience the joy of running suicides.
In 1975 readers of Seventeen chose her as the most admired woman in the world. In 1990 Life named her one of the “100 Most Important Americans of the 20th Century.“
Not bad for Billie Jean Moffitt, who learned to whack the ball on the public courts of Long Beach, and has always believed in reducing the game's snootiness quotient.
In announcing the center's renaming, USTA President Franklin Johnson said, “Billie Jean King is one of tennis' greatest heroes. Much like Arthur Ashe, for whom our showcase stadium is named, Billie Jean is a champion not only of sport, but a champion of those causes in which she so strongly believes. Her accomplishments have benefited all women in sports, as well as countless women in any number of career fields.
“Those things, along with her extraordinary tennis achievements, cry out for recognition, and I am thrilled that our Board unanimously agreed on renaming our National Tennis Center in her honor,“ he said.
Me, I'm a little surprised that the board didn’t wear earmuffs to muffle that cry. She certainly did rock the boat on behalf of women's equality, but I guess most of the officials she made seasick back then have died--from old age, not seasickness—or have adjusted. But mainly I'm a tad surprised because Billie Jean is a sister of Sappho.
She didn't come out on her own. Marilyn Barnett outed her in 1981 by filing a “galimony“ suit. The married King copped to the affair, but wouldn't say she was gay. I've found her long reticent period irksome, but I realize that's not fair. In fact, that's a foot fault on me.
King was born into a conservative Catholic family, and the issue of sexual orientation has been a mighty struggle for her. I'd guess that 25 years ago she still acutely felt the weight of being a trailblazer for women, and feared undercutting the movement's advances. She presumably also feared she'd lose her commercial endorsements, which she did.
But Billie Jean and American society have caught up to each other. She just served as a Gay Games Ambassador. And now the USTA is bestowing on her this jumbo honor.
First it recognized Arthur Ashe, an African-American who died of AIDS, and now Billie Jean King, a lesbian feminist. Hurray for the USTA's current brand of tennis snobbery: Only the best people are immortalized.
Monday, August 14, 2006
An Outbreak of Breakthroughs
Democrat Al McAffrey of Oklahoma City sounds like the ideal candidate to be running for the legislature of a red state. A Navy veteran, a former cop, a father and a grandfather, McAffrey, a longtime funeral director, has a pedigree to die for.
Oh, did I mention he's openly gay?
McAffrey is one of several out gay and lesbian candidates to scale the red-state ramparts during this primary cycle. Which is why you have no choice but to forgive me when I call this a breakOUT season.
McAffrey, who also happens to be a member of the Choctaw Nation, won the Democratic primary over two other candidates. Since he has no Republican opponent in the November general election, the seat in the Oklahoma House of Representatives will be his. Assuming no homophobe mounts a write-in campaign of biblical proportions.
“I did not run to be the first openly gay representative, I ran on the issues,“ McAffrey told the Daily Oklahoman. I don't care if he ran on stilts, he's Oklahoma's first out state legislator, and that counts for a lot.
As tempting as it is to dismiss conservative states as lost causes, we can't do that. First, because there are a lot of LGBT people in those states. Second, for real equality to happen, it must be achieved in every state, from the Atlantic to the Pacific—not just in those states that touch the Atlantic and the Pacific.
McAffrey's election trips up Oklahomans who want to believe the Sooner State has no homosexuals, or if it does, they stay good and hidden. And with McAffrey in the legislature, it's going to be harder for fellow legislators to defame gays casually, what with a living, breathing homo two seats away.
Over in Arkansas, Kathy Webb has also made history. She too captured the Democratic primary for a seat in the state house, and has no opposition in November. So she bears the majestic title of first openly gay elected official in Arkansas.
This election season is positively lousy with majestic titles. In Alabama, Patricia Todd is also the first openly gay elected official in her state.
Todd, the associate director of AIDS Alabama, won a Democratic primary run-off for a seat in the state house. She has no Republican challenger, either. (Do you see a pattern here?)
Her victory was so close, however, that her Democratic opponent challenged the result, and at this moment her victory isn't certain. But what the heck, let's go with it.
By the way, the same day of Todd's victory, Alabama voters passed a same-sex marriage ban with 81 percent of the vote. To me, that indicates the urgent need for gay people in high and visible places in Montgomery. It also indicates that in her new gig Todd may find herself experiencing all the job satisfaction of Sisyphus.
In the most recent case of red-state triumph, Jolie Justus won her Democratic primary in Missouri, so she's poised to become the Show-Me State's first out state senator. Believe it or not, she has Republican opposition in the general election, but the district is heavily Democratic, so her ascension appears assured.
What's causing all this giddy victory? I'd like to think it's a combination of good candidates and red-state folks getting ever more of a clue about us. The Gay & Lesbian Victory Fund deserves credit, too, for supporting each of the breakthrough winners.
All four of them ran where Republicans are apparently as scarce as cheap gas. It's urban areas they'll be representing, and I'd guess they received significant African-American support. Altogether, these days the red states are looking more like rosy to me.
Oh, did I mention he's openly gay?
McAffrey is one of several out gay and lesbian candidates to scale the red-state ramparts during this primary cycle. Which is why you have no choice but to forgive me when I call this a breakOUT season.
McAffrey, who also happens to be a member of the Choctaw Nation, won the Democratic primary over two other candidates. Since he has no Republican opponent in the November general election, the seat in the Oklahoma House of Representatives will be his. Assuming no homophobe mounts a write-in campaign of biblical proportions.
“I did not run to be the first openly gay representative, I ran on the issues,“ McAffrey told the Daily Oklahoman. I don't care if he ran on stilts, he's Oklahoma's first out state legislator, and that counts for a lot.
As tempting as it is to dismiss conservative states as lost causes, we can't do that. First, because there are a lot of LGBT people in those states. Second, for real equality to happen, it must be achieved in every state, from the Atlantic to the Pacific—not just in those states that touch the Atlantic and the Pacific.
McAffrey's election trips up Oklahomans who want to believe the Sooner State has no homosexuals, or if it does, they stay good and hidden. And with McAffrey in the legislature, it's going to be harder for fellow legislators to defame gays casually, what with a living, breathing homo two seats away.
Over in Arkansas, Kathy Webb has also made history. She too captured the Democratic primary for a seat in the state house, and has no opposition in November. So she bears the majestic title of first openly gay elected official in Arkansas.
This election season is positively lousy with majestic titles. In Alabama, Patricia Todd is also the first openly gay elected official in her state.
Todd, the associate director of AIDS Alabama, won a Democratic primary run-off for a seat in the state house. She has no Republican challenger, either. (Do you see a pattern here?)
Her victory was so close, however, that her Democratic opponent challenged the result, and at this moment her victory isn't certain. But what the heck, let's go with it.
By the way, the same day of Todd's victory, Alabama voters passed a same-sex marriage ban with 81 percent of the vote. To me, that indicates the urgent need for gay people in high and visible places in Montgomery. It also indicates that in her new gig Todd may find herself experiencing all the job satisfaction of Sisyphus.
In the most recent case of red-state triumph, Jolie Justus won her Democratic primary in Missouri, so she's poised to become the Show-Me State's first out state senator. Believe it or not, she has Republican opposition in the general election, but the district is heavily Democratic, so her ascension appears assured.
What's causing all this giddy victory? I'd like to think it's a combination of good candidates and red-state folks getting ever more of a clue about us. The Gay & Lesbian Victory Fund deserves credit, too, for supporting each of the breakthrough winners.
All four of them ran where Republicans are apparently as scarce as cheap gas. It's urban areas they'll be representing, and I'd guess they received significant African-American support. Altogether, these days the red states are looking more like rosy to me.
Monday, August 7, 2006
Too Good to be True
I try to keep up. It's true that occasionally I watch “Golden Girls“ instead of the evening news, but by and large I've been keeping track of the Mideast conflagration, the Iraq morass, and the American judicial blockade against same-sex marriage.
Still, e-mails bearing specifically LGBT news had piled up in my computer, so I set to reading them. In the process I discovered a news item that made me blurt “OhmyGod.“ It's the sort of story that my particular muses—Groucho, Chico and Harpo—send me but once in a blue moon.
It seems that in late July a gossip column in the New York Daily News quoted Sir Ian McKellen, the openly gay British actor: “I was in Atlanta doing press for 'The Da Vinci Code,' and they wanted to honor me. The governor made me a lieutenant colonel,“ he said. “So the 'don't ask, don't tell' rule obviously didn't apply to me.
“I have a lovely certificate hanging in my office. So, inadvertently, they made me the poster child for having openly gay people in the military,“ said Sir Ian.
OhmyGod. Georgia's Republican governor appointed a gay activist to be an honorary officer in the Georgia National Guard! And Gov. Sonny Perdue reportedly supports “Don't Ask, Don't Tell!“ What was he thinking? He must not have known. Boy, some underling's testicles are going to be served up on a plate.
Is it possible the governor did know, and this represents a public change of heart? Yes, and it's also possible it wasn't Sherman who burned Atlanta, but Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
What a blunder. How embarrassing. How wonderful. McKellen is internationally famous as both an actor and a homo. The American military is internationally infamous for its ban on openly gay service people. This perfect story could go around the globe like bird flu.
Alas, there's one little problem with the story. It isn't true.
It came to me via the PlanetOut website. No doubt the folks there, like yours truly, drooled over the high irony count. But wishing doesn't make it so, and the day after PlanetOut ran with the story, Perdue's spokesman set the record dreadfully straight.
For a start, the governor can't make appointments to the National Guard, said Dan McLagan, according to an online Washington Blade piece, which I read through my tears.
McLagan said, “[McKellen] has previously claimed that this [kind of appointment] occurred in 1995, not 2006. The movie opening was 'Richard III,' not 'The Da Vinci Code.' All that being said, this guy is Gandalf and Magneto rolled into one, and if he wants to join forces with Georgia when we must battle evil, we welcome him.“
That's funny. But it's also a fib, since McKellen IS the evil many Georgians--including the anti-marriage-equality governor--continue to battle.
The Blade piece noted McKellen's website carries virtually the same story as the one I briefly adored, but the movie was “Richard III.“ So either Sir Ian likes to recycle a good story, or the Daily News is dazed and confused. Either way, I shan't recover for some time.
All I can do now is share the view of Chuck Bowen, executive director of Georgia Equality, who said, “Alas, if it were only true!“
If McKellen had been made an officer in the Georgia National Guard, it would highlight what a foolish mess “Don't Ask, Don't Tell“ is. Plus, a force with Gandalf on its side would win without firing a shot. Any enemy who's seen “Lord of the Rings“ would hightail it home the moment McKellen bellowed, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!“
Still, e-mails bearing specifically LGBT news had piled up in my computer, so I set to reading them. In the process I discovered a news item that made me blurt “OhmyGod.“ It's the sort of story that my particular muses—Groucho, Chico and Harpo—send me but once in a blue moon.
It seems that in late July a gossip column in the New York Daily News quoted Sir Ian McKellen, the openly gay British actor: “I was in Atlanta doing press for 'The Da Vinci Code,' and they wanted to honor me. The governor made me a lieutenant colonel,“ he said. “So the 'don't ask, don't tell' rule obviously didn't apply to me.
“I have a lovely certificate hanging in my office. So, inadvertently, they made me the poster child for having openly gay people in the military,“ said Sir Ian.
OhmyGod. Georgia's Republican governor appointed a gay activist to be an honorary officer in the Georgia National Guard! And Gov. Sonny Perdue reportedly supports “Don't Ask, Don't Tell!“ What was he thinking? He must not have known. Boy, some underling's testicles are going to be served up on a plate.
Is it possible the governor did know, and this represents a public change of heart? Yes, and it's also possible it wasn't Sherman who burned Atlanta, but Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
What a blunder. How embarrassing. How wonderful. McKellen is internationally famous as both an actor and a homo. The American military is internationally infamous for its ban on openly gay service people. This perfect story could go around the globe like bird flu.
Alas, there's one little problem with the story. It isn't true.
It came to me via the PlanetOut website. No doubt the folks there, like yours truly, drooled over the high irony count. But wishing doesn't make it so, and the day after PlanetOut ran with the story, Perdue's spokesman set the record dreadfully straight.
For a start, the governor can't make appointments to the National Guard, said Dan McLagan, according to an online Washington Blade piece, which I read through my tears.
McLagan said, “[McKellen] has previously claimed that this [kind of appointment] occurred in 1995, not 2006. The movie opening was 'Richard III,' not 'The Da Vinci Code.' All that being said, this guy is Gandalf and Magneto rolled into one, and if he wants to join forces with Georgia when we must battle evil, we welcome him.“
That's funny. But it's also a fib, since McKellen IS the evil many Georgians--including the anti-marriage-equality governor--continue to battle.
The Blade piece noted McKellen's website carries virtually the same story as the one I briefly adored, but the movie was “Richard III.“ So either Sir Ian likes to recycle a good story, or the Daily News is dazed and confused. Either way, I shan't recover for some time.
All I can do now is share the view of Chuck Bowen, executive director of Georgia Equality, who said, “Alas, if it were only true!“
If McKellen had been made an officer in the Georgia National Guard, it would highlight what a foolish mess “Don't Ask, Don't Tell“ is. Plus, a force with Gandalf on its side would win without firing a shot. Any enemy who's seen “Lord of the Rings“ would hightail it home the moment McKellen bellowed, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!“
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