The Florida Department of Corrections knows a threat to prison security when it sees one. It works diligently to prevent escapes, riots and . . . weddings.
The department has disciplined eight correctional officers for allowing a gay wedding ceremony to take place at Lowell Correctional Institution, Florida’s largest prison for women.
How comforting that the Florida Department of Corrections stands firm against clear prison perils like drugs, gangs and lesbian nuptials.
According to The Gainesville Sun, the department’s official report on the incident at the Marion County prison states that, “Security staff allowed inmates to perform, decorate and participate in a wedding ceremony.”
The date the correctional officers shirked their duty so extravagantly was March 17, St. Patrick’s Day. Perhaps gay leprechauns bewitched them.
The event began about 5:15 p.m. when inmates were freed from their cells to go to a day room. Then the law-breaking took off.
One state-owned bed sheet was converted into a tablecloth. Another became the veil of one of the brides. State-issued Inmate Request Forms in the appropriate color of pink were torn, spindled and mutilated into bows and curls for the table, and state-issued paper towels were fashioned into other decorations.
Oh, the lawlessness. And under the guards’ very schnozzles.
The brides exchanged rings made out of human hair and dental floss. I’d say that’s the epitome of using what you’ve got.
The gala celebration wound up at about 6:30. Presumably with onlookers throwing state-owned rice.
For the record, prison rules forbid sex acts or unauthorized physical contact between inmates. The state of Florida prohibits same-sex marriage. And fashion designers consider any woman marrying in prison garb a crime against nature.
Two days after the wedding an inmate alerted prison officials that the event had taken place. A jilted ex, perhaps?
The Florida Department of Corrections leaped into action. Investigators interviewed prisoners and officers. They reviewed a security camera video recording, which showed five officers watching the event. They also seized evidence from an inmate’s cell. The hairy ring? A paper-towel bouquet?
The official word is the officers at Lowell Correctional Institution goofed by allowing the inmates to use state property for the occurrence.
Investigators also determined, reported The Sun, that the wedding “was an unauthorized activity in a close-management dormitory, the most restricted living area for inmates,” and “allowing the close-custody inmates to gather for the event placed officers at risk.”
Apparently the officers didn’t think so, but what do they know? They just work with these women every day. Allowing the inmates to put together a homemade ceremony might even have struck the guards as a strategic move to boost the general mood. I assume they’d rather have the residents whipping up flowers than fashioning knives.
But the Florida Department of Corrections is in the business of laying down the law. The department flung it good and hard at those eight correctional officers.
All were cited for failing to report the incident. Several were also found guilty of failing to maintain proper security, along with willful violation of department rules. One officer was fired, one resigned and six were suspended.
With such serious punishment for such a small crime, I guess officers who commit whoppers, like dealing drugs or shaking down inmates, are immediately hanged in the break room.
In allowing the wedding to proceed, the Lowell Eight were being either benignly neglectful, or compassionate, or practical. The real question is whether the excessive reaction of the Florida Department of Corrections is about a love of rules or a hatred of gays.
And the newlyweds? The department shipped one of them to another state prison. Their honeymoon period was brief.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
To Be Young and in Love
Whoops.
The state of Arkansas passed a marriage law that accidentally allows toddlers to marry.
Gays can't marry, but children can. The universe must be on laughing gas.
The Arkansas law, which took effect this summer, establishes 18 as the minimum age to marry. It also allows pregnant minors to marry with their parents' consent.
But an extraneous "not" in the bill means that a person of any age who isn't pregnant can marry with parental consent.
Whoops.
Officials in the state are wrangling over how this boo-boo should be fixed. Embarrassment is high, but nobody fears an immediate crisis.
I don't know, though . . .
What if marriage fever sweeps through Arkansas kindergartens like chicken pox? What if daycare centers experience an outbreak of wedding flu? What if play-dates become real dates?
Getting hitched could be all the rage among the youngest set. Couples will register at Toys "R" Us, and hold rehearsal dinners at McDonald's. Attired in tuxes and wedding gowns made for dolls, they'll walk regally down the aisle, determined not to fall down and go boom.
After a nap, brides and grooms will repair to Chuck E. Cheese's for the wedding reception, where they'll throw cake at each other. Then they'll ride off into the sunset on tricycles trailing rows of juice boxes.
Just as gay and lesbian couples lit out for San Francisco and other regions that suddenly granted marriage, Arkansan authorities could find themselves swamped by pint-sized out-of-staters looking to tie the knot.
They won't be flying or driving to Little Rock—at least I sincerely hope not. They'll be mounting their bicycles and Big Wheels, skateboards and strollers, and forming a children's crusade on America's roads.
All thanks to an extra three-letter-word.
The brouhaha over same-sex marriage had already made state officials around the country as nervous as cats; now a marriage-law blunder like this might make some as hysterical as hyenas.
Here's another threatening result of children being free to marry. At their age, many don't know the rules. They don't know boys have to marry girls. So when little David announces, "I wanna marry Mike," does the state of Arkansas dare to interfere?
I guess so, since in Arkansas both state law and the state constitution ban gay marriage. But when some bureaucrat tries to explain to David that he can't marry his best friend because they're both boys, David will likely respond with a screaming fit and a kick to the shin. If after a timeout David suggests a compromise—he'll marry his turtle or his dump truck—things will go no more smoothly.
Over the past years Arkansas has been the sight of a protracted effort to forbid homosexuals from being foster parents. A person might get the idea that Razorbacks aren't too fond of gay folk. Which gives me the idea that virulently homophobic parents could misuse the marriage law's loophole.
If a father spots a touch of the feminine in his two-year-old boy, he could try to keep that nastiness from spreading by marrying his son off to a girl right away. Fortify that heterosexuality. Strengthen that straightness. Quash that queerness.
Heck, he wouldn't have to wait for any worrying signs--just marry him off in his crib. In the hospital. A birth certificate followed immediately by a marriage certificate.
Rather than parental consent, this would be a case of parental insistence. A new kind of shotgun wedding with an old goal: respectability.
On the plus side, if babies or toddlers were to wed, everyone in town would know it wasn't due to pregnancy.
The state of Arkansas passed a marriage law that accidentally allows toddlers to marry.
Gays can't marry, but children can. The universe must be on laughing gas.
The Arkansas law, which took effect this summer, establishes 18 as the minimum age to marry. It also allows pregnant minors to marry with their parents' consent.
But an extraneous "not" in the bill means that a person of any age who isn't pregnant can marry with parental consent.
Whoops.
Officials in the state are wrangling over how this boo-boo should be fixed. Embarrassment is high, but nobody fears an immediate crisis.
I don't know, though . . .
What if marriage fever sweeps through Arkansas kindergartens like chicken pox? What if daycare centers experience an outbreak of wedding flu? What if play-dates become real dates?
Getting hitched could be all the rage among the youngest set. Couples will register at Toys "R" Us, and hold rehearsal dinners at McDonald's. Attired in tuxes and wedding gowns made for dolls, they'll walk regally down the aisle, determined not to fall down and go boom.
After a nap, brides and grooms will repair to Chuck E. Cheese's for the wedding reception, where they'll throw cake at each other. Then they'll ride off into the sunset on tricycles trailing rows of juice boxes.
Just as gay and lesbian couples lit out for San Francisco and other regions that suddenly granted marriage, Arkansan authorities could find themselves swamped by pint-sized out-of-staters looking to tie the knot.
They won't be flying or driving to Little Rock—at least I sincerely hope not. They'll be mounting their bicycles and Big Wheels, skateboards and strollers, and forming a children's crusade on America's roads.
All thanks to an extra three-letter-word.
The brouhaha over same-sex marriage had already made state officials around the country as nervous as cats; now a marriage-law blunder like this might make some as hysterical as hyenas.
Here's another threatening result of children being free to marry. At their age, many don't know the rules. They don't know boys have to marry girls. So when little David announces, "I wanna marry Mike," does the state of Arkansas dare to interfere?
I guess so, since in Arkansas both state law and the state constitution ban gay marriage. But when some bureaucrat tries to explain to David that he can't marry his best friend because they're both boys, David will likely respond with a screaming fit and a kick to the shin. If after a timeout David suggests a compromise—he'll marry his turtle or his dump truck—things will go no more smoothly.
Over the past years Arkansas has been the sight of a protracted effort to forbid homosexuals from being foster parents. A person might get the idea that Razorbacks aren't too fond of gay folk. Which gives me the idea that virulently homophobic parents could misuse the marriage law's loophole.
If a father spots a touch of the feminine in his two-year-old boy, he could try to keep that nastiness from spreading by marrying his son off to a girl right away. Fortify that heterosexuality. Strengthen that straightness. Quash that queerness.
Heck, he wouldn't have to wait for any worrying signs--just marry him off in his crib. In the hospital. A birth certificate followed immediately by a marriage certificate.
Rather than parental consent, this would be a case of parental insistence. A new kind of shotgun wedding with an old goal: respectability.
On the plus side, if babies or toddlers were to wed, everyone in town would know it wasn't due to pregnancy.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Mr. Bush Goes to Tehran
With the horrifying treatment homosexuals in his country are apparently receiving, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had already earned himself an infamous place in gay and lesbian history.
Recently he sealed his infamy. He'll always be the answer to this trivia question: "During a 2007 appearance at Columbia University, which head of state ludicrously declared his country doesn't have homosexuals?"
Now it's George Bush's turn. President Ahmadinejad told Iranian state TV that should the American president journey to Iran, he'd be allowed to speak at an Iranian university.
Batten down the hatches, Martha. I feel an ill wind a'blowin'.
President Bush could take a number of different approaches to his speech before Iranian students.
Here's the first possibility:
"Stop messing around in Iraq. That's my job."
Here's the second:
"I'll learn to say 'nuclear' when your president learns to say 'Starbucks,' 'Burger King' and 'Pier One.'"
Here's the third approach:
"If Iran wishes to be accepted into the international community, it must cease trying to develop nuclear weapons, stop supplying Shiite militias in Iraq, halt all hostile rhetoric regarding Israel, and pay me $50,000 for my next speech here. This one is a freebie, but I'm going to be retired soon, and then you'll see this boy make some real money!"
Here's the fourth possible approach:
"It's nice to be around university students. When I was in college, I was a cheerleader. That's a person who yells and chants and gets other students all fired up. Actually, that sounds a lot like what students were doing here in 1979.
"Wasn't that hostage crisis something? Let me tell y'all, I was pretty angry at the time, but you did one thing right. You helped pave the way for Ronald Reagan to be elected, so it wasn't all bad!"
Here's the fifth approach I can imagine Bush taking:
"I want to tell you sincerely that the American people forgive, they're not a revengeful people. The people think good of well-thinking people. Other people, too."
Here's the sixth approach:
"Your President Ahmadinejad questions whether the Holocaust ever happened. But people's minds can be changed. Look at me and global warming. I believe it now. Not gonna do anything about it, but I believe it."
Here's the seventh possibility:
"The president of Iran stood in front of a university audience in New York City and said his country has no homosexuals. Now I'm standing in front of a university audience in Tehran to tell you I wish my country didn't."
Here's the eighth and final approach I can imagine our leader taking in a speech before Iranian students:
"I am here today to say in the strongest possible terms that Iran must stop arresting and executing gays. It is an appalling attack on human rights and human dignity to murder someone over his or her sexual orientation. If Iran wants at any time in the future to be a friend of the United States, the blatant persecution of homosexuals must come to an end.
"Don't look so depressed. You still get to discriminate. You see, killing, that's way too severe. Too obvious. Too yucky. Stick with what we do, denying them equal rights every step of the way. It's really pretty impressive, considering we also claim to be the world's foremost defender of human rights.
"And take it from me, gays have their uses. For instance, you can whip up fear of them when you need a distraction. Can't do that if you've killed them all, now can you?
"You young people follow my advice, and soon Iran will join America in the nineteenth century."
Recently he sealed his infamy. He'll always be the answer to this trivia question: "During a 2007 appearance at Columbia University, which head of state ludicrously declared his country doesn't have homosexuals?"
Now it's George Bush's turn. President Ahmadinejad told Iranian state TV that should the American president journey to Iran, he'd be allowed to speak at an Iranian university.
Batten down the hatches, Martha. I feel an ill wind a'blowin'.
President Bush could take a number of different approaches to his speech before Iranian students.
Here's the first possibility:
"Stop messing around in Iraq. That's my job."
Here's the second:
"I'll learn to say 'nuclear' when your president learns to say 'Starbucks,' 'Burger King' and 'Pier One.'"
Here's the third approach:
"If Iran wishes to be accepted into the international community, it must cease trying to develop nuclear weapons, stop supplying Shiite militias in Iraq, halt all hostile rhetoric regarding Israel, and pay me $50,000 for my next speech here. This one is a freebie, but I'm going to be retired soon, and then you'll see this boy make some real money!"
Here's the fourth possible approach:
"It's nice to be around university students. When I was in college, I was a cheerleader. That's a person who yells and chants and gets other students all fired up. Actually, that sounds a lot like what students were doing here in 1979.
"Wasn't that hostage crisis something? Let me tell y'all, I was pretty angry at the time, but you did one thing right. You helped pave the way for Ronald Reagan to be elected, so it wasn't all bad!"
Here's the fifth approach I can imagine Bush taking:
"I want to tell you sincerely that the American people forgive, they're not a revengeful people. The people think good of well-thinking people. Other people, too."
Here's the sixth approach:
"Your President Ahmadinejad questions whether the Holocaust ever happened. But people's minds can be changed. Look at me and global warming. I believe it now. Not gonna do anything about it, but I believe it."
Here's the seventh possibility:
"The president of Iran stood in front of a university audience in New York City and said his country has no homosexuals. Now I'm standing in front of a university audience in Tehran to tell you I wish my country didn't."
Here's the eighth and final approach I can imagine our leader taking in a speech before Iranian students:
"I am here today to say in the strongest possible terms that Iran must stop arresting and executing gays. It is an appalling attack on human rights and human dignity to murder someone over his or her sexual orientation. If Iran wants at any time in the future to be a friend of the United States, the blatant persecution of homosexuals must come to an end.
"Don't look so depressed. You still get to discriminate. You see, killing, that's way too severe. Too obvious. Too yucky. Stick with what we do, denying them equal rights every step of the way. It's really pretty impressive, considering we also claim to be the world's foremost defender of human rights.
"And take it from me, gays have their uses. For instance, you can whip up fear of them when you need a distraction. Can't do that if you've killed them all, now can you?
"You young people follow my advice, and soon Iran will join America in the nineteenth century."
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