Hidden Gems of 2007

I refuse to let 2007 go. Not until I highlight some of the year’s events that slipped under the radar but helped make the year special.

Imagine you and your partner are waiting for your luggage in a dark airport in the middle of the night when the PA system announces, “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.”

You might throw yourself down the luggage chute.

It happened to a gay male couple, who complained to Fort Lauderdale airport authorities. Skycap Jethro Monestime admitted to broadcasting the verse from Leviticus twice. He said he meant it as a prank. He should stick with whoopee cushions.

In England, a jailed Islamic cleric refused further treatment from his prison nurse after discovering the man is gay. Abu Hamza, convicted of inciting racial hatred and murder, has a hook for a right hand, and for over two years the nurse has helped him wash and dress.

The nurse is openly gay, clearly effeminate, and has the nickname of “Queenie.” Yet Hamza only recently figured out he’s gay. If only terrorists really were this dim.

Hamza’s lawyers demanded a replacement, claiming it’s against his religion and human rights to be assisted by a homo. The prison service refused, saying it doesn’t discriminate on the basis of sexuality.

Queenie himself was upset about the whole thing. “He has spent the last couple of years doing everything for Hamza, even wiping his bottom,” a source told the Mirror. “It shows how little respect Hamza has for others. The nurse dresses him, washes him, cleans his teeth, cuts his toenails, trims his beard and applies ointment for his skin disorder.”

Too bad Queenie can’t apply something for Hamza’s unsightly soul disorder.

Back in this country, a Chicago eighth grader and her grandparents were angry after a substitute teacher showed “Brokeback Mountain.” They responded in the only appropriate way: They sued the teacher, the principal, and the Chicago Board of Education. The filmmakers and the state of Wyoming escaped their wrath.

Grandfather and guardian Kenneth Richardson had earlier complained to school officials about reading material that included curse words, and “Brokeback” was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He told The Associated Press his lawsuit was “necessary” since he had already warned administrators about using materials “against our faith.”

He said the movie traumatized his granddaughter, who required psychological treatment. The approximately $500,000 in damages they sought would buy her Chicago’s best therapist. Or a place on Maui. Whichever is more soothing.

Earl Adams of Bentonville, Ark., also had money on his mind in 2007. His sons, ages 14 and 16, were in the public library looking for materials on military academies. What they found, however, was “The Whole Lesbian Sex Book.”

The two teenagers were “greatly disturbed” by finding the book, reported Adams, and it caused “many sleepless nights in our house.” I just bet it did.

Adams faxed a letter to Bentonville’s mayor calling the book “patently offensive.” But complaining wasn’t enough for him. Adams also demanded the library director be fired, and declared his intention to sue the city for $20,000. That’s $10,000 per son, the maximum allowed under Arkansas’s obscenity law.

He could’ve gone for $30,000 if another teenage son had been looking for books on sex, I mean military schools.

The library’s advisory board voted to pull the book. A board member said they might replace it with one taking a “more sensitive, more clinical approach.” My guess is they chose a book on indoor plumbing.

Love-50

Martina Navratilova has finally finished schooling tennis players half her age on Grand Slam courts. Now she's gunning for the opposite age group.

AARP, billed as "the world's largest advocacy organization for the 50+ community," announced that it has selected Navratilova to be the Health & Fitness ambassador to its 39 million members.

I doubt even Jack LaLanne reached that many people.

In a press release, AARP lauded Navratilova as perhaps the greatest female tennis player ever. It highlighted her capture of the 2006 U.S. Open mixed doubles title six weeks before she turned 50, which I can picture AARP staffers celebrating like Christmas.

The release also highlighted Navratilova's charitable and humanitarian efforts around the world. Before you ask me, let me say the release does not mention Martina's being out and active on behalf of the gay community.

We could view this as deliberate silence, pandering to the organization's older and thus more conservative membership. We could say this amounts to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, For God's Sake Don't Mention It.

But I see the hiring of Martina itself as an overhead smash. AARP is a huge, mainstream organization. That it wants to partner with someone the whole world knows is a lesbian is a gratifying sign of the times.

I'm sure some AARP members will cut up their membership cards into itty-bitty pieces and mail them to headquarters encased in a biblical passage or two. But the prospect didn't scare off the AARP honchos.

Certainly I can say this about the decision--the organization chose a person who knows how annoying it is to get in shape.

In her early days on the pro women's tour, Martina was a dumpling. Tennis journalist Bud Collins dubbed her the "Great Wide Hope."

Oh, did things change. Aiming for new tennis heights, Martina let star basketballer Nancy Lieberman handle her conditioning. (The gossip was Lieberman handled more of Martina than her conditioning.)

In her 1985 autobiography, Martina described their first workout session. Martina was in tears, Lieberman in a fury. Martina wrote, "I was discovering true pain in my body for the first time in my life; Nancy was discovering that I did not like to exercise."

The woman now positioned to be America's next fitness guru used to "go to any length to avoid" exercising. As long as she still remembers that, I'm willing to give her suggestions a listen.

Martina's eating habits were also less than stellar in her early years. She used to visit McDonald's so often you'd have thought they were giving out Wimbledon trophies.

Thanks to her rebuilt physique and commitment to nutrition, Martina became the lean, mean, serve and volley machine who dominated women's tennis in the '80s, and who managed the startling comeback in her 40s, defying time, gravity and common sense.

"We're thrilled to welcome to the AARP family someone who has shown the world the importance of staying fit as you age," said Emilio Pardo, AARP's Chief Brand Officer. Sensibly, AARP has not promised that following Martina's guidance will result in hoisting a Grand Slam trophy at age 50, 70 or 106.

In 2008 Martina will participate in AARP events, and feature prominently on its fitness Web site. The address is www.AARPfitness.com, if you're hot to pick up Martina's tips (as opposed to hot to pick up Martina).

For her part, Martina said her goal "is to let my generation know that though staying fit takes work, it's just as important now—if not more—than ever before." Sounds to me like she herself might be fitter than ever . . . and that's just frightening.