Monday, February 18, 2008

Athlete Auction Action

I read on Advocate.com that the Los Angeles Rebellion, described as "a straight-inclusive gay rugby team," was recently due to hold its Third Annual Bachelor Auction Fundraiser. Naturally, this led me to imagine two prospective bidders in the audience that night at the gay bar.

Charlie: Another?

Simon: I'm nervous.

Charlie: One more of those martinis and you'll be bidding on the busboy.

Simon: What am I doing here? I don't do this kind of stuff. I'm . . . shy.

Charlie: Not tonight. Tonight you're a tiger.

Simon: Meow.

Charlie: What time is it?

Simon: 8:45.

Charlie: 15 minutes to zero hour.

Simon: We still have time to see "Atonement." Again.

Charlie: We're staying right here, and we're going to bid. You need a date, and I need to get up close and personal with a jock.

Simon: God, what if he wants to talk about rugby? I don't know anything about it! How do you play?

Charlie: I don't know and I don't care. What I do know is they wear short shorts and throw themselves at each other. How can that be bad?

Simon: There's something about a scrum . . .

Charlie: Yeah, a scrumptious butt in those shorts.

Simon: Do they wear their uniforms on the date?

Charlie: If you pay enough.

Simon: Rugby shirts! I had one in high school.

Charlie: I'm pretty sure you can't build a conversation around that. Look, just ask him how to play. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to explain it all to you.

Simon: I guess. We runners wear short shorts, y'know.

Charlie: Honey, it just isn't the same.

Simon: Why not? I look good in mine.

Charlie: I'm sorry, Simon. I didn't mean to insult you. You have a beautiful ass. Let's concentrate on getting you off it.

Simon: One date.

Charlie: Who knows? The date could actually be on Valentine's Day. A little romance, a little wine, you two might hit it off. You could be washing his uniform for the rest of your days.

Simon: Hmm.

Charlie: I just want to roll around on the field.

Simon: What if all you get out of this is dinner?

Charlie: The food better be damn good. God, it's crowded in here. I wonder how many of these guys are actually going to bid?

Simon: I just had a horrible thought.

Charlie: There's a surprise.

Simon: Didn't you say there are straight guys on this team? What if I get one of them? What if it's a set-up? What if I find myself on some reality show?

Charlie: I really doubt the straight guys would be willing to go out with gay men. Talk about taking one for the team.

Simon: Or maybe women bid on the straight guys. I see one or two females.

Charlie: All will become clear in a few minutes.

Simon: Will you be crushed if you don't win a date?

Charlie: No. I'll just go to the next auction on the calendar. Bid for gay basketball players, or swimmers, or soccer players.

Simon: There are more dating auctions?

Charlie: There should be. In fact, why do they all have to be jocks? You could hold an auction at your work.

Simon: Yeah, right. Gay accountants.

Charlie: With your lovely rear end, you'd fetch a pretty penny.